I've been thinking so much about the changes that have occured in our lives these past few years. I truly am thankful to God that He has given us the privlidge of raising 2 more children. It is funny how having children changes your life. ... each one... not just having children.. but I have found that each of my kids has been used by God to mold me. Sometimes the molding that God is doing in my life seems to be with a hammer and chisel and with full strength; other times, it seems to be a subtle, soft, pliable type of molding.

I remember thinking that Elizabeth was really going to be a tough adjustment on me. I thought it would be so hard to adjust to having a little one around again. But, as GOd often does in my life, it was not. What I thought would be hard, became easy and thrilling. Then I thought that Ri was going to be an easy adjustment. I remember saying... what's one more? I thought to myself that I was able to handle 4 kids 5 years and 1 day apart. How easy it was going to be to have a 2nd toddler. Goodness.. I thought he was going to make things even easier because Elizabeth would have a playmate. Funny... funny how God works... funny how God just never seems to work the same way twice or the way I think He is going to.

Ri has definitely been the hardest adjustment for me. But, as I mentioned earlier, GOd uses the kids to change me. There is so much about myself that my little guy has shown me. Much of which I believe has always been a part of me,... only hidden. God has allowed this time of struggle to show me a part of me that has needed changed.

I realized that I haven't bonded with my precious son. I think much of his behavior is specifically related to me. I think he knows it and fights hard to bond with me. So... I have been spending more time focusing on the one thing I should have been focusing on 7 months ago! He is so precious, so loving, so sweet... yet, I have allowed the pressures of my life to invade on his and my bonding. It breaks my heart. I guess I fooled myself for some time, thinking and believing that Ri and I had bonded...but all the time, knowing in my heart, that I hadn't. But now that I am finally walking with God again, He has been faithful to show me my weaknesses and is gentling beginning to heal that part of our relationship. I can't wait until the day that I "know" Ri and I are bonded. I know it will happen!

As for the other kids, there is so much I need to be doing to continue my bond with them too. Life seems to fly by and I jsut don't have the time I need to focus on each one. So, if you think of it, pray that God would be the one that my children bond with and that He will fill the gaps that Mark and I are not able to fill right now.