I have had a few ask me to post pictures and aboaut my weekend with my girl. I can't post pictures because I gave my 2nd camera to Emily. That camera was the only way I had to download my pictures. I have been waiting for a USB cord to arrive so that I could actually download from my camera. It finally arrived, but to my dismay, my USB port on my camera is broken (unknown to me). So... I am without the ability to download :(. That makes me so very, very sad! I will figure something out, it just take some time.

As for my girl? Well, I have so many emotions that it is hard to write them all down. WAs it good to see her? Absolutely! She looks incredible and even more.. her hugs felt incredible! She is stunningly beautiful! She is happy, vibrant, and loving college. My heart ached because we had to travel home Saturday night. I would love to have stayed another whole day! But... there were no hotel rooms available under $125./night. So.. we opted not to spend the extra money and stay into the evening Saturday night. I was blown away at how hard it was to say goodbye to her this time.

As I have struggled with my thoughts and feelings, I think I have come to the conclusion as to why. When we dropped Emily off at college for the first time, it was very easy to leave her. Why? Because I knew she was where God wanted her to be. We had a complete peace. Emily was excited. It was all new and exciting for her. I was still "mom" and still "needed". I knew she would miss me and need to talk and need mom. But this time, it was different. This time, Emily had already experienced 8 weeks wihtout me. She had dealt with a very difficult first 3 weeks because of some problems with the health of her roommate. She dealt with losing a roommate that she adored and had looked forward to spending the year with. She dealt with fears about her own health and a trip to the ER that had her very scared. She had experienced homework like she had never had before and learned to juggle her time and energy. And just before we got there, she had spent 2 days at the hospital supporting her best friend on campus as he underwent emergency surgery. She had handled all that by herself.. without mom holding her hand.

So the difference? Oh.. I still know that Emily is where she needs to be. I know that she still wants me... but this time, I realized that Emily doesn't need me like she did before. She is transitioning into her own life. It is an incredible adventure and she is ready to begin it without me as "mom". Oh, I will always be mom and many times, I believe I will still be her "mommy"... but mostly, the change has begun to where I step aside and stop "controling" her choices and decisions. I am so excited for her, but I think I am beginning to struggle with the letting go process. I am so proud of her! I love seeing her and sharing in her life. I guess I am realizing that there will be a great part of Em's life that I can't share in anymore. Not because she doesn't want me to, but because I just can't. I'm not with her everyday, I'm not able to be with her to sit and talk for hours or go to the store or go on walks or watch a good movie together. I'm not there to hug her when she is struggling or her heart is hurting. I'm not there to hold her when she is scared or sick. I know that is part of life and how it is suppose to be. And I know it is an exciting part of life for our children. But as it is happening, I realized that it is much harder on the parent because the child is going forward, experiencing life, while the parent is left with a void. Not a bad void, just a realization that their little girl is no longer "home".

So, I am working through those feelings and for the most part, rejoicing! It was harder on me Saturday night and Sunday; but by God's grace, He is allowing me to work through it all. I wouldn't change this part of life for anything. Well.. maybe I would change one part... I think that I needed time alone with Emily. I needed time to experience her new life with her; hang out with her and her friends and spend hours just being together and talking. I think I needed to share in the laughter of college life and hanging out. I needed to meet her friends and do the photo stuff and the walking around the pond and hanging out at soccer games and activities. I think I needed that just to share in Em's life. And seeing Em for the first time in 8 weeks with the ENTIRE family didn't give me that opportunity. In fact, it gave me just 5 minutes alone with my girl. THat is NOT ENOUGH for this mama! So my advice, to moms who have been a big part of their daughter's life... take a night or a weekend, just you and her, before the whole family comes!

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that everyone got to go. The kids have missed her a lot. They needed to see her and she needed to see them. But next time? It is just me and Mark... or just me :). I am a little selfish, aren't I?